The Will of an Old Man, in the Hospital, looking out his Window

Ah
It’s raining
how quaint that the
world would cry at a
time like this.
How strange that
such beauty is only
visible to me as
I am dying.
but don’t be sad
it’s not a sad thing to pass on
it’s only sad to be left behind
my dear friend.
I am sad
though
happy somehow that
I lived here
That this world is so beautiful.
I found the beauty of this world
you know?
the rain
the wind
the sky and the lullaby it sings
as day shifts to night
I am sad to leave it
Happy to have lived in it.
Do you feel the same?

Do not worry
it’s just a short while until we’re reunited
and I pray
to anything that will hear me
let me be born
by this beautiful mother
this dirt
this loving nest of life
and live
yet again
on
Earth
I am happy; actually that I am
going first, leaving you behind
I know you’re strong enough to
handle the pain of losing me.
And I, I can be sure that we,
you and I, are going to once again
remain friends.

I hope that then
my friend
I will see you again
and perhaps
we will have not changed
or will remember our past life
together.

Wings of Pain

carry me through the wind.
Tempests and gales that blast through trees
crush mountains and force them to submit
bow before this wing I have.
It is a simple thing; a mark, a symbol of
experience. An experience haunting
even the brightest corridors of my life
reminding me how frail life is
how even in those moments when someone
pinches your arm because you weren’t wearing
green, or laughs at you when you ask why eggs
and bunnies to celebrate a man’s rebirth that
you had happiness or maybe it wasn’t so happy
but it wasn’t stained by this black ether this
screen of depression that has become the mode
of your life. Ironic; one obsession ruins something
you don’t even care that much about at the time,
but then…then you realize how much you craved it
how much it should have been your obsession. And
so it becomes; so much so that you almost forget
what ‘feeling’ really feels like. Numb, aching, crying
these are what you know, never love, warmth, or
tenderness.
This Wing I carry on my left shoulder is but a single
uselessly flapping wing. Only embracing another;
another like I, can we fly once again into happiness
into the joy of what we really need in life. But; with this
right hand I cannot hold you. It is cursed with hate
and death and only brings down what it touches…
Cling to me; please. I have dreamed of flying once again
and though nothing scary is in them; they terrify me! I’m
afraid because somehow I know that this will not happen
that our flight will crash and burn and that we will only be
capable of consoling each other after we have lost everything.
Or perhaps, is it because I do not have it; and yet is the sole thing
driving me forward. IF it is the sole object of my desire; I fear that
I am making it thousands of times more sensual, more joyful
more tender than it is and when I finally find it…I will be disappointed
and crush this golden pavilion called happiness in fire.
This wing that carries me through this life.
Let me fly in that cerulean sky

.

.

.

 

 

Paper cranes

sit on my window wishing me happiness

but I cannot see them their wishes do

not touch my mind instead I see the sky

and the white clouds and wonder why

why does the wind cry over the earth why

why do the tears that fall down her cheeks

explode in silence on his body why

does she howl for him why does she feel

so much for such a being a cold man

who does not move cannot be moved by

such a wondrous display of emotions

they hit the window sliding slowly down

toward the dirt a mess of emotions

form on that patch of dirt but are never ever

displayed in a way for her to know that

her cranes worked the feelings in them are still

burning in my heart and each morning I

wake to her tears exploding silently

on my hand wrapped in tubes and gauze. . .

 

 

Aria of Jealousy

Perhaps… It was never meant to be.

That you should love all but me.

But that’s okay, I won’t capture you.

You’re free.

Free to love and live as you please.

But… please, I can barely stand when you look

at me with those eyes. It’s probably pity but

it looks like caring, feels like love, and my

heart mistakes it. Only to be crushed again and

again. When you lightly touch my hand it burns

for days, how can this not be love,

how can this feeling be mistaken so easily?

That feeling of seeing you smile, kiss, hug and

be with another? How can that boulder in my throat,

that throbbing in my chest be mistaken?

How is it that only around you am I capable of

smiling naturally? How is it that thinking of you helps

fend off the nightmares, while inside I wage wars

demanding my happiness! But craving yours!

These fights last for hours while I lay awake

trying to forget you, just trying to remove this

attraction to you from me… Or perhaps

trying to push it onto another. Knowing that

it’ll always fail to be transferred correctly.

Is this not love?

You told me that what I felt for you was

just ‘misconceived’, not love, but… something else.

How would you know this burning inside me?

You never once looked at me, you only saw what I showed

never what I wanted you to really see.

 

 

The way you laugh, the way you smile,

cling, and love someone else drive me into

a jealous frenzy fueled by pain and self-hate.

I want you to be happy! No, I want you to be

happy being with me, and only me.

But you are happy!

Just not through being with me. So I crush

every emotion in me down, hiding them in my broken

heart.

Always visible; never shown.

Part 1: A Dance with Blood Stained Leaves

[Excerpt Begin] ”

Princess arrived at our meeting place exactly at dawn, she looked at me and the Captain and sighed. She looked to the side, and I’m presuming that meant she was bored. We waited another three minutes and then the guy who was gonna help us from the Priest guild, Olacion Order, showed up. “Hyuh-Hyallo everyone!” he said. We all greeted him in unison, and the Captain began his job.

“Now that we’ve all arrived, I can explain what we are going to be doing. We will be escorting a dwarf wagon carrying supplies to the castle, and since we’re going to be near orc lands we must be on a close watch for Orc raiders.” He paused and looked me in the eyes, “I have explicit orders that we are to run if we are attacked by Orcs. I would prefer that you keep to those orders.” He finished, eyeing me more. I shrugged and Princess mumbled something. “Well then, since we’re all on the same page…Lets head out!” He said turning and walking right into a fatass who had snuck up behind him. The Captain gasped and bowed while he apologized. “Terribly sorry sir I wasn’t aware you were there!”

“You bumbling foo—I mean…Do not worry Captain Jolee. I was in your path.” He said. The Captain bowed more and sucked up to the guy even more. I looked over to Princess, who was glaring at the man who had appeared and I giggled a little. She was really cute when she glared at things.

The Captain heard me giggling and looked at me. I wasn’t showing any sign of respect, honor, or…well anything towards the fatass. The Captain promptly smacked me and said “Bow to his lordship!”

“Why.” I said, looking at the fatass who was in some rather nice looking duds… well for a rich fatass I guess they really aren’t nice. The Captain probably would have flipped a table over if we were near one. He ranted at me for a while.

“This is his lordship Sir Ordo! He is the chamberlain of the castle and the man who has made the knights a little more successful than they were before!” He puffed out his chest while the praise seemed to make his fat become a little stiffer.

“Really. Never heard of him.” His entire body deflated and I almost broke down laughing.

“Yes really you fool!” I was smacked and in the process saw that Princess wasn’t showing any respect for him either.

“What about Tiega?” I asked, forgetting the ‘Lady’ part on purpose.

“Fool!” I was smacked again. “Lady Tiega” He said emphasizing the ‘Lady’ part. “Is his lordships daughter, she doesn’t need to bow to him!”

“WHAT!?” I looked between the two multiple times. “Did she mutate or something?” I got hit again. “Oh sorry sir!” I said, directing my words toward Fatass. “I was just…unaware! But now I know who pulls the cart in your family….yup…and where the donkey leads, the ass has to follow.”

“Reiliegh.” Captain said, “You sure do have an eye for expertise!” He said, not understanding the insult. “I knew you were smarter than what you showed!” He said playfully elbowing me.

“Naw Capt’n you’re just blowing me out of the wat—“

“Are you implying I’m an ass!?” Fatass finally understood.

The Captain promptly headbutted me and then began apologizing. “Sorry sir! He’s totally new, doesn’t understand a single thing. Heck he can’t even find his own bed at ni—“

“Whatever.” Fatass said, I heard a lot of Princess’s snide-ness in him. “I was on a walk and figured that I should see you guys off!” He said happily. Then muttered under his breath to the Captain. “IF anything should happen to my daughter I—“

Tiega immediately glared at him and would not stop. Instead of the cute glare I had seen before—If a glare could be cute—I saw mostly anger. Well I was annoyed too, it’s kind of lame to have a father worry for you so much that he comes to our departure just to ask for extra protection… It’s not like I’m inept Fatass. “Right well…As long as you understand.” Fatass finished. Captain looked like he didn’t understand at all, but waved as Fatass left in a rush.

“Can we go?” Princess asked. I started walking, and so did Princess, Captain jumped in front of us and we all departed. It felt amazing leaving the bustling city for some fresh air while we walked to the southern districts. Though nothing in particular happened along the way, we did spark up a lot of different conversations.

“I hope we run into some orcs!” I really wanted to give them hell now that I had a bladed weapon to fight with.

“You’d get squashed flat before you could even get your sword out.”

“Are orcs really that strong?” I’ve really only fought against brother.

“Are you kidding?”

“Orc’s a’ ‘bout tha strongest critters out thar.” I forgot his name but his accent really intrigued me… I’ve never met someone who speaks like that.

“Really?”

“Aye…Ah heard they can even take down a mammoth in one blow.” He finished.

“Wow…” I said, feeling my arms tremble in excitement. “That is…”

“Scared?” Princess asked, looking at me concerned.

“SO COOL!”

“What?”

“I mean come on! If nothing happens during the mission it’d be boring!”

“Captain…Are you sure we can’t just leave this idiot behind?”

“Now, now Reiliegh, don’t go off and do something that’d get us killed.” Captain said seriously.

“I won’t, I just want something to happen.”

“Typical country boy syndrome.” Princess snapped at me.

“What?”

“You lead such a boring life that you desire things to happen so you think your life will be interesting. It’ll never happen fool.”

“Pfft, coming from the girl whose father had to escort her to the gate! How Lame!” She blushed and glared at me.

“You only got into the knights because your father was famous. If he weren’t you wouldn’t even be here!” I looked away, trying to avoid the truth. “Isn’t it dishonorable to not be capable of making a name for yourself as a man? Why don’t you just—just go do a seppuku! I heard you country bums still do that.”

“Easy for someone who probably hasn’t ever left the castle!” I paused, trying to cool off before I said anything I’d regret later. “You’re so spoiled you can’t even leave somewhere without someone seeing you off!”

“Oh, then where did you come from that’s better than the city!?” She was red faced and almost shouting in my face.

I looked away again. Memories flooded back to me. “I’m from a small village… Trea village.” I said quietly, I looked up into her eyes and saw that her anger faded.

She breathed quickly and then muttered, “wasn’t that place attacked by Or—“

Luckily before I had to answer what was coming from her, we were attacked by a giant sloth… It really wasn’t much of an opponent, but it took forever to finish off. After the fight, I presumed that she was done talking, because she kept quiet.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. We arrived at the cliff right that led to the Dwarven town, Earth Drop. We had an amazing view of the mountains and of Earth Drop’s complexity. “Woah! Far OUT!” I said, unable to hide my excitement. “Dwarves live in such a freakin’ amazing place?”

“Your father is Sven Silvestri, and you’ve never heard about Earth Drop before?” Princess asked, looked at me earnestly.

“Whenever he was home, he was either boxing with me or flirting with mother.” I said smiling a little.

“’Whenever he was home’? Wasn’t it…lonely?”

“Sometimes…yeah.” I looked her in the eyes and her eyes showed caring and compassion I had never seen from anyone before. She blushed and looked away quickly. I looked out over Earth Drop thinking about Princess. I don’t really know what I—I ‘feel’ about her, but I think I like her. I mean, I’ve never really associated with someone in town, so maybe the way we act around each other is normal for friends. It just seems to be closer than friends… I guess I’ll have to figure out ways to push her away. It’s not like I intend to—

“If you don’t hurry, we’ll leave you behind!” Princess called out to me, as the group began heading down the cliff. I stood and looked over the cliff one last time before dashing off after them. By the time I caught up to them they were about a quarter of the way down the cliff. We walked quietly down the path that led us to the entrance way to Earth Drop.

The gate was closed and the guard sitting on top of the gate stared us down as we walked up to it. I looked up to him and said “Let us in!”

“No” He replied quickly.

“Why not?”

“Reiliegh you have to show a certain level of formality when entering another nation’s cities!” Captain scolded me. “Sir, we are the Rose Cochon Brigade from the Knights, we have come to obtain the goods promised and escort them to the castle.”

“Oh, yer here for ze vagon.” His accent was strong, you could almost hear the dwarven sliding into his words. “I’ll open ze gate.” The gate opened and we walked into Earth Drop.

It was even cooler on the inside. The smiths were blazing and you could see the smoke from the furnaces. The bridges leading to the mines were like spider webs weaving throughout the entirety of the city. The city itself seemed to be made of levels. Each level was devoted to a single smithee, all the things he required and their works. It was an amazing city, sitting on the edge of the crevasse leading to whatever is below the sea of clouds… The mountains spiked up behind, pockmarked by the holes created through mining for rare metals. “We’re supposed to meet the chief at the chieftain’s house… but I wasn’t told what it looked like…only that I’d know when I saw it.” Captain said, interrupting my admiration of the city.

We wandered around the city for a bit, and finally found the chieftain’s house. Boy did it stand out. Gold, silver, sapphires, emeralds, and very beautiful rubies coated his place in extravagance and excessive shine. We walked in and met with the Chief, I zoned out and tried to blot out the brightness that was bleeding my eyes. I felt the Princess next to me, and she touched my shirt once the conversation was over. I felt my focus come back to reality and we made our way to the inn that we’d have to stay at. I needed to get out and do something a little more strenuous I was bored, and felt like I was stuffed into a tight space. So I decided to go into the mines, there are bound to be some stronger monsters in there, or at least some amazing sights to see. I looked at Princess and noticed she looked a little shocked. “Oi, what’s wrong?” I asked her.

“I didn’t know…that Earth Drop was so advanced. All the books I had read suggested that it was underdeveloped and people were starving.”

“Pfft, is the Princess’s head too big for her helmet? All logic, no experience!” She glared at me.

“I at least knew something about Earth Drop.” She muttered, pouting a little.

“Whatever. Princess, do you want to come and explore the mines a little?” She glared at me again, but I saw her blush a little.

“The mines?” she asked, looking at me weird. “I would love to explore them, but not on a mission.”

“What? Comon, Princess… You know you want too!” She blushed again, and then turned away, facing the wall instead of me.

“No. I will do nothing that will endanger the success of the mission.” She turned her head and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

I sighed loudly. “You’re too perfect, huh?” She blushed and glared at me some more.

“Reiliegh.” The Captain said, walking into the room. “Stop bothering Lady Fenlake, and go help out at the pub if you’re bored. They’re looking for someone to do something for them.” He paused and looked out the window. “We…have time.”

“What about the wagon?”

“We leave tomorrow at dawn. You have time to screw around. Just don’t die.”

“I’ll head to the pub first.” I said, putting my sword in its hilt and attaching it to my hip. I exited the Inn, turned left and walked forward five steps. I was at the pub. I entered and the dwarf at the bar yelled at me, telling me that I was underage by human standards so he couldn’t sell me anything. I told him why I came, and he laughed, then told me that there was a thief raiding his stocks of alcohol at night when he was sleeping. He told me to stand around and look mean until night, then keep watch and catch whoever is stealing the booze. I really wasn’t looking forward to standing around glaring at people, but when I actually sat there and did it, I found it fun. I laughed inside, hiding all my emotions to myself. It felt fake, disgusting to not express myself, but it was necessary for what I was asked of…I guess Princess isn’t the only one who has to be perfect.

After the pub closed, I sat around and hid under the bar waiting for the sneak-thief. Well thieves, since there were three of them. Goblins snuck in and grabbed a barrel, argued with each other for a bit and then came to a conclusion after hitting one of them a lot.

I jumped out, flipped on the lights and faced them down. They dropped the barrel, screamed, ran in circles, and then pulled out their weapons and faced me. I wasn’t expecting much, so I stepped forward, and two of them jumped at me and lunged. I avoided their strikes and looked for the third, but I didn’t see him.

Until his hammer hit me in the side of the head and made my eyes jump. I stumbled, and my vision doubled, but I didn’t fall over. The goblins had already ran far away, so I stepped outside and slunk against the wall. I put my hand to my head and looked up to the night sky. “Damn it.” I said aloud.

“Pfft.” I jumped. “Strong enough to challenge the General, but too weak to beat goblins.”

“Holy! Freaking….goblins…” I said looking at Princess standing on the other side of the pub. “I didn’t see you… scared me.” I stood straight and walked over to her, “are you sure you don’t want to come with me to the mines?”

“No I don—wait you’re still going to go? What about your injury?” She stepped towards me and lifted my chin a little so she could look at the cut.

“Of course I’m going, it’s just cut weird it won’t do anything to me other than bleed for a while. You don’t need to worry about me Princess.”

She glared at me. “If you die it won’t be on me.”

“I can’t die. I’m immortal.” I said sneering at her. She glared at me, turned and then walked away. “Bye, Princess.” I said after her. She paused, looked down a little and then continued.

I ran off to an entrance to the mines, entered and almost tripped over a rock when I entered. I walked for a while, but didn’t cross anything. After a while, the lighting system the dwarves had set up began to fail. The caves slowly got darker and darker the further I went. I upped my guard and expected a strong monster to be lurking in the darkness in front of me. I stepped into the inky cloak, only to fall down in surprise from a frog croaking at me. I laughed and stood up slowly. I guess putting up my full guard was a little too much.

I walked probably another 200 meters or so into the cave, using the wall to feel my way and relying on my hearing to defend myself from the monsters-that-weren’t-attacking-me in the darkness. I could hear something behind me, but it was keeping its distance. I looked up, and noticed a faint glow and some growls and other sounds after a bend up a little ways in front of me. I slowly made my way and…

Saw an opening in the cave. The rocks on the walls were covered in…a moss like plant that glowed in different blues and greens. In the middle of the opening was an elf, fighting a smilodon and a small group of monkeys.  Her fighting style was… beautiful, fluid and she looked capable of killing all in the room with little trouble. She had a few scratches on her, but another smilodon lay dead at her feet.

 

 

[Excerpt End]

 

….And much more here if you’re interested <3

 

Happiness

I’ve sought happiness. I’ve tried for so long to

find what it really means

to be alive, and how I can live

without shame, guilt, or regret.  But no, it denies

itself to me every time i grasp for it. Like a fog

always there, yet cannot be gripped, I tried to

drown this sorrow, this pain, force it to sleep

with the fishes in the bottom of the ocean.

But no, I can’t escape the humiliation, the guilt

that I brought on myself and you and now we both know

that really, what we need to find is each other. But no, that’s

impossible too, since, when your happiness was stolen

by that man who stood over you, beating you ’till you

cried and forced himself through your whole life

crushing all the dreams and plans you had, bruising your

slender neck with a brutal grip that eventually

rebounded on me, and smashed through my whole being

in the form of you hanging in front of me

as I cried in disbelief trying to understand why

this had to be us why it had to be us who fell

when all we had ever done was seek happiness together

and knowing that what we wanted was just a life

where we could grip our destiny and hold it in our hands

not like a diamond to be treasured but a chunk of disgusting

dirt that only needed to be molded to be our own.

But no. Every time I seek happiness it evades me. From you,

to those dreams where I join you, to those times I try to pull

away from you and I, only to find that she and I could never be.

Because I’m a creep, or a loser, or something else someone else

thinks is normal to call someone like me. Someone who seeks nothing

in this life but happiness.

But no.

People who seek ‘happiness’ seem to be toyed with by

those slips of paper.

Greed has poisoned everyone’s souls. There is no aesthetic

experience without some paper or gold or silver being thrown

at something. Slowly with Greed, comes pointless Ambition.

Ambition no longer pointed towards the sky, instead pointed down

inward, toward a place that only exists for a meaningless time frame.

All for paper.

The darkness that surrounds this paper can’t be pushed away by

a single flame, nor a million flames.

Ambition, gone. Happiness, gone. All for Power? Luxury?

That damnable paper deludes

all into believing that having more and bigger is better.

Though…

In reality, the small home you and I had was enough.

The meager food we ate. The bed we had was too large for one

but too small for two. The room we had was shoddy, full of holes.

And winter’s ice froze us, pushing us together, away from everything

else. Just you and I under a blanket, clinging to each other for

one simple thing; Warmth.

We had what we both wanted.

Happiness.

Blanket

Snow like a blanket; falling

covering, enshrouding everything

just as Death covers all in a veil of fear.

Our lives marked and covered with the simple

gray obscurity of what we cannot know.

We live because death exists.

We die because life exists…

But, when it snows, the world blooms into

the beauty of life, love and lucidity.

And because we die, we seek to live our lives to the fullest,

never falling, but fully forcing ourselves to seek

that fluttering flurry of silent snow

that blankets our bodies with life.

Pursue virtue

Together

we enter that dark cave

knowing that it’s really

not dark, just naive

we think it tainted

and fall into it, drowning ourselves

in the darkness

the only Haven we know.

The wind howls, sounding so near

that our tears fall splashing into our fear

like we didn’t already know it was here.

Together

we seek to find

the purity, the childishness

somewhere in ourselves.

But, what’s the point of searching

for that inner halo?

It’s too bright for me… my eyes are blinded,

my mind is shallow.

The darkness that

we took refuge in has corrupted

us and we, ourselves, lost sight

trying to find our old virtue.

It’s just like staring

into a burning river,

across Styx,

into the sun or at the moon,

it just makes us so sick.

we forgot about purity

and what it really meant

so get ready.

As we stain our heaven in scarlet

with the pain of searching for our haven;

right after you and I met

in this Cave of Raven.

I can’t stop

I can’t stop these feelings,

these awkward situations

You and I have, when I’m

with you at night, or in the

bar, or when we sit side by side

at the movie. I can’t stop this insatiable

desire from pushing my heart further

and further into the oblivious state

of love or whatever the hell you really

want to call it. I just want you, and it isn’t

a desire to want you, it’s a desire to be wanted

by you and to be with you

to be the pillar that supports you when things

actually get rough.

To be the man who you can look at with love in your eyes

the man who you wouldn’t feel wrong about confiding

everything and anything you feel to. The man who

would sit and listen to your dreams, your nightmares

the pain and the love, listen to everything you want to say

because you know that deep down, despite how he acts

around others, he’s really just scared and hates talking,

he just wants to hear you and let the musical notes resonating

from your voice caress his ears as he shudders with delight.

I can’t stop thinking or worrying or pushing myself away from

you, despite these feelings. I can’t stop from trying to protect you

from the me that I don’t fully know yet, I can’t stop thinking that

I’m too weak to be the person to support you, and I can’t help

but imagine you happier with someone else, even though my

chest burns and throbs with jealousy as I do.

I can’t stop from wanting to sleep next to you.

I can’t stop the hate I feel for this bed that just

seems to large without you and I together in it.

We don’t have to say something, or anything to

understand that what we desire isn’t each other

for our conversations, nor our bodies.

We want, no, desire each others company. That

undeniable presence we seem to have, the warmth

that normally is never there while we’re separated.

I know that…somehow no matter how much I plead

or pray, you really wouldn’t know any of these until

at some point I tell you. So, until that day, please

wait for me.

I can’t stop the future; but I can control the present.

I can’t stop you from finding another, from finding

better happiness than I would have provided, but

please, please, wait for me.

I can’t stop this pounding heart from desiring you.

Night Dreams

Why do I fear sleeping so?

Is it because I know that; despite all

of the wondrous dreams I’ve been

seeing at night, all these images

with the power to aid my restless sleep

to sooth and push me on through the next

day… I know that I will see that one again.

That single series of images that have stained

my innocence, that have kept me awake for so

long.

I know it’ll come eventually, and that it is

impossible to have only these fair dreams.

So why am I afraid of seeing this one, this dark

nightmare? Is it a phantasmagoria of loneliness and pain?

Is it a phantasm of what could have been?

Why do I fear it so? It is only one among many…

There are far more dreams that don’t pain me.

Yet still, I am afraid to fall asleep. Scared of the single

dream that can plague an entire month with depression

and darkness in my eyes.

I am afraid that, perhaps, if I see this dream once more

I may never wake again, and instead be caught in this

plague of loss.

Ah…How slowly the hours go

without a dream or nightmare to aid

my sleep tonight.

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